Summer is finally here, which means it’s time to chuck something on the barbecue and make the most of the lovely long evenings.
In our travels, we found this lovely bit of humour about “barbecue personalities”. Here’s our Kiwi take – which one are you?
The TV contestant
This barbecue host won’t just offer you a slab of steak and a bit of corn wrapped in foil. They will have been to their local high-end grocer for the best cut of meat – or, if you’re living in the country, maybe it’s a home kill with a long backstory.
The corn will be organic or homegrown and slathered in artisanal butter. Sauces will be unnecessarily complicated, and each dish comes with a commentary and a pointed look while the cook awaits your verdict. Most of the time it’s delicious, but every so often the flavour combinations don’t quite work – like the basil and peanut butter combination of last year’s Masterchef.
Summer is a time for relaxing and there’s no point getting worked up over a barbecue. But this type takes it to the limit. They might be outworking in the garden until 5 pm when guests are meant to arrive at 6. Then they’ll realise the cream they were counting on for the pavlova is out of date and the tomato sauce is empty. Cue a last-minute dash to the dairy.
The meat is perfectly cooked, the salad’s impeccably presented. The salt is pretty pink and even the mayonnaise has been moved to a mason jar with an antique spoon. But just as you reach to move something to your plate, you realise everyone else is waiting – because the chef is lining up to take a photo of the spread, then another … and maybe a few more of himself while the light is perfectly flattering. If you get to eat before it goes cold, you’ll be #lucky.
The amateur musician
This guy will be out of his seat at the first signs of the meal being over, returning with a guitar in hand to get everyone into a singalong. Cross your fingers that he has more than a couple of songs to rotate – and that whoever is sitting next to you is quiet or can hold a tune (or preferably both).
For some of us, a barbecue is an excuse to get out literally finding our own food. Everyone knows someone who’ll chuck a crayfish or scallops on the barbecue that they picked upon a casual Saturday afternoon dive. It makes your trip to the supermarket for your cheese platter look pretty tame in comparison.
This barbecuer hovers around the grill, meat thermometer at the ready, Siri setting multiple timers to keep everything in check. Nothing is left to chance or intuition but is planned down to the last second. Everything is perfectly balanced and measured, and nothing will be served until exactly the required level of crunchiness, crispness or juiciness has been obtained. Best stay clear and let them do their thing.
Your host is on hand from the moment you walk in the door (or settle in your seat if you’re already at home), bottle of Sauvignon Blanc ready to go. Bartender types tend not to think you’ve had a good time unless you’ve thoroughly imbibed. You’ll have to watch for sneaky top-ups when you’re not looking if you’re driving, but these types can be relied onto always have a bottle of something interesting hidden somewhere in the back of the pantry to keep the party going when it looks like winding down.